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Paranormal Activity:  Toddler Edition

If you’ve ever seen the film(s) Paranormal Activity, the following post will probably run through your mind as you try to fall back asleep tomorrow at 3 a.m., and you’ll say, “I hate you, Katy in a Corner, for reminding me of this! And, oh great. Now I’m thinking about Katy standing in a corner of my room, and I’m even MORE freaked out!” And I’ll just laugh and laugh because I “saw” Paranormal Activity on my parents’ TV with ten fingers in front of my face, without my glasses on, and singing “LALALALALALA” at the top of my lungs. And the only thing I could tell you about that film is that the painting that hangs on my parents’ wall close to their TV is really beautiful. Why? Because I’m not an idiot, that’s why.

I don’t watch scary movies because I don’t want to be reminded of them every time I have to use the facilities at 4 a.m.

And I’m not saying that Brian is an idiot, but he did watch the whole thing several years ago during our annual “Christmas Dinner and a Scary Movie” tradition with my college friends. And now he nearly jumps out of his skin when he wakes up in the middle of the night with JJ standing over him:

JJ:  “Hi, Dada.”

Brian:  “Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! SON! What do you need?”

JJ:  “I want to sleep in mommy and daddy’s bed.”

Brian:  “JJ, you scared the cra…son, you scared me! Go back to your bed.”

JJ:  “Dada, my bed is too small.”

Brian:  “Then go sleep on your rug.”

JJ:  “Okay. Bye, Dada. I wush [love] you.”

Insert “Wah wah waaaaaaaah” music as JJ saunters out of our room to go sleep on his rug.

Paranormal Activity, Pitiful

Pitiful, right?

[Yes, actually. I have Children’s Services on hold right now.]

But, y’all, this kid wakes up 3 and 4 times every night. Every night. And, this summer, he dropped a bombshell on us and decided to abandon his nap completely and cold turkey (with the exception of a rare, spontaneous sofa coma).

Paranormal Activity, Sofa Coma

So, basically, our 3-year-old has the sleep patterns of a middle-aged, hormonal woman.

Talk about paranormal activity.

Since he dropped his nap, we KNOW this poor kid must be tired. But Brian and I have been racking our brains to try to figure out why JJ doesn’t sleep through the night.

Brian:  “Do you think it’s what he’s eating?”

Katy:  “I don’t know. Do you think it’s all the Fun Dip, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and espresso I give him right before bed?”

[Hi, Children’s Services? Yes, I have a blog post you need to read.]

Brian:  “Do you think he’s just not tired?”

Katy:  “What child, who torments his sister with such energy and enthusiasm during the day, isn’t tired enough to sleep at night? Plus, he doesn’t nap any more. He MUST be tired!”

Brian:  “Do you think it’s his bed?”

Katy:  “You mean the one he can’t fit in any more? Huh. It could be.”

Paranormal Activity, Rug Time

And that’s the only thing we could surmise. JJ’s bed is too small, and our giant, man-baby can no longer sleep in it comfortably.

Paranormal Activity, Man Baby

And there are only so many hours a human being can sleep on a hardwood floor or a rug before he just has to call it quits and go scare the crap out of daddy again.

Paranormal Activity, Hardwood Floors

Amiright?

Paranormal Activity, Hall Monitor

So, we did what any good parents would do in this situation. We got JJ all excited about going to by a “big boy bed,” hopped in the car, went to our nearest mattress store, looked around for 10 minutes, decided they were too expensive, and then came home and ordered one on Overstock.com.

How do you explain that to a 3-year-old?

“Sorry, sweetie. Your big boy bed will be here in 7 to 10 business days.”

Honestly, it went over much better than we expected. I guess that rug of his is pretty comfy.

Paranormal Activity, Comfy Rug

Thank goodness for shag carpeting.

[Her name is Katy. K-A-T-Y…]

Oh, but if you hear some loud screams in the next 7 to 10 business days, that will be the sound JJ makes when he realizes we’re serious about the whole NO-paci-in-the-big-boy-bed rule.

No. More. Paci.

That’s the name of my new horror movie. Coming to theaters in 7-10 business days.

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Comments to "Paranormal Activity: Toddler Edition"

  1. Jen

    September 16, 2013

    LMAO oh man, this is just what I needed this morning! Thank you!!! Hilarious!!

  2. G-Man

    September 16, 2013

    Looks like JJ and G-Man have something in common…..we can sleep anywhere.

  3. Dona

    September 16, 2013

    My girls slept in some of the worst beds you can imagine (after the crib…it was nice) until they were about 7 and 9. Then I bought them the whole French white with gold trim bedroom set. They slept in that until they were in high school. But none of it was as funny as you……a book, I”m tellin’ ya! Dona

    • Katy in a Corner

      September 16, 2013

      Dona, I think I’m going to commission you to find me a publisher. 😉

  4. Katy

    September 16, 2013

    Looks like we have something in common other than our name…my little guy is almost 3 and he ends up sleeping on our bedroom floor almost every night. The first night he snuck out of bed, we found him sleeping on the floor in front of the couch, the second time we caught him en route to the garage, because he wanted to sleep in the boat. Now, thanks to several baby gates, he just ends up on our floor. We are also working on taking away the paci…I’m the Mom I always said I wouldn’t be, and have an almost 3 year old who is not potty-trained and still sleeps with a paci…but he’s so darn cute! Best of luck with the Big-Boy Bed!

    • Katy in a Corner

      September 16, 2013

      I will say that the main difference I see between you (Katy) and me (Katy) is that I always KNEW I’d be the mom with the giant 3-year-old who still poops himself and has a paci. Embrace it, Katy. Just embrace it.

  5. LaLa

    September 16, 2013

    Katy, I am so relieved. There is a 3-yr-old out there bigger than Maggie…who…by the way is a girl and it’s just not cool to be big when you’re a girl. Loved the post, as always. Perhaps he is a LINGERFELT and not a Morgan. At any given Lingerfelt birthday, Christmas celebration, etc., there is at least one Linger grown man sprawled out on the floor PASSED OUT asleep. I don’t understand it. it boggles my mind. Been married to one 8 yrs and I still don’t get it!!! Love from GA, LL

    • Katy in a Corner

      September 16, 2013

      I then men are born with the ability to sleep anywhere. It comes in handy around holidays and events where dish washing and childcare are involved. 😉

  6. Corinne Kersh

    September 16, 2013

    When my youngest turned 2 we got rid of the pacifiers by introducing the paci fairy. Basically we told her that the paci fairy comes and takes all your pacifiers away to give to little babies that need them. In place of them, the fairy leaves something (since they’re such a big girl/boy now) like a new soft blanket, or cd of soft calming music, or stuffed toy to cuddle, or all of the above when they are trying to sleep without their paci. The fairy could come while they are asleep, but our kid wouldn’t sleep without the paci, & no treat in return. So we had her collect all those baby pacifiers and put each one in a zip lock bag & say good bye to each one. Then we picked a spot to leave them. When we came back from a long walk we noticed that the bag was gone & there were surprises instead! This worked so well! Until a month later she found a lone lost paci & popped it into her mouth. I grabbed scissors & cut the tip off & handed it back to her. She couldn’t get it to stay in her mouth. Haven’t needed one since! Good luck!

    • Katy in a Corner

      September 16, 2013

      That’s such a cute idea! Do you think the paci fairy would come visit me? She could bring me a Starbucks grande, non-fat, no whip, 2 pump peppermint, 2 pump mocha Peppermint Mocha every time I sleep through the night. Does she get that specific about her prizes? I need to get in on some of this.

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