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My Professional Background - Once upon a time, I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Actually, I was a professional motivational speaker for about 5 years.:

Late on the evening of January 16, Dr. Matt and a female nurse walked back into the cold, sterile ER room where I waited quietly. He looked at the tiny television in the corner of the room and said, “Can I turn this off? Or are you into this show?” I laughed and said, “No. I just watch Toddlers & Tiaras to make me feel like a better parent.” He smiled, turned off the television, took a deep breath, and then sat on a stool next to the bed.

And I knew.

I knew what he was about to say. It’s the reason I came to the emergency room that night. Because I already knew.

“I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but…”

“I know.” I interrupted him. I could tell he didn’t want to say it.

“I’m so sorry.” His empathy was genuine.

“It’s okay….” I found myself wanting to comfort Dr. Matt because I knew that was probably the worst part of his job. To face people like me and to have to tell them things like that. Also, because he told me to call him “Dr. Matt.” And that just made me like him instantly.

He shook my cold hand, told me I would be in his prayers and left me with his nurse who told me what to expect in the days and weeks to follow.

She was compassionate, but I could tell she wasn’t comfortable with how to say it.

“Well, the baby – er…fetus – will make its way out within the next few days or weeks. You’ll have lots of bleeding…”

It wasn’t just a fetus. It WAS a baby. With arms and legs and a soul…just no heartbeat.

It was our baby. Our third. We were thrilled. We found out just before New Year’s, and I just knew this was an unexpected blessing from God in the midst of what has been a terrible valley.

At around 11:45 p.m., on the saddest day of my 31 years, I walked through the ER doors back into the bitter, Kansas winter. In my hand I held the one and only ultrasound photo of our 8-week-old baby.

I fought back tears until I reached the car. Once inside, my shaking hands fumbled through my iPhone until I reached a playlist I created in November and appropriately titled “Right Now.” One of the first songs that played is called “Blessings” by Laura Story. I had never listened to it all the way through – mainly because her voice is slightly annoying to me at the beginning. (Sorry, Laura…whoever you are.)

I finally listened to the song all the way through as I got lost trying to drive through a flood of tears:

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

And then this…this is the part that caused me to stop the car in the middle of a deserted road on post and just sob:

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

What if?

What if every trial I’ve been through since November – things too heartbreaking and humiliating to mention now – are really God’s mercies in disguise?

What if God has more “mercies in disguise” prepared for me? Will He continue to give me the strength to get through them? Because there are times I feel I’ve reached the limit of what I can handle! Will He use these disappointments and the “aching of this life” for His glory?

The answer is yes. Yes, there will be more disappointment (Psalm 34:19). Yes, he will complete the work He began in me (Philippians 1:6) and give me grace in the moments I need them (Philippians 4:19). And, yes, He will cause all of these things to work for His glory (Romans 8:28).

God willing, I’ll keep writing. And, God willing, I will have some more lighthearted topics to write about in the very near future. Like feces. Or Honey Boo Boo. Or politics.

Kidding! I don’t talk about feces.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing on this earth more important to me than proclaiming the truth of the gospel. Nothing. That is why I was created. And that is why I created this blog.

But I could sure go for some silly, self-deprecating humor right now.

Like…did you know that I was a child model? Well, I was in an ad with Bill Cosby once. But they cut me out of the final ad because my hand was up my dress.

Stupid, uncomfortable tights.

Also, I cut my own hair the night before the photo shoot.

My mom was pretty happy about that.

Seriously, thank you all for the encouragement you’ve been in the midst of this valley. Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, Tweets, cards, and phone calls. And thank you most of all for your prayers.

I’m humbled. I’m thankful. And I’m truly blessed more than I’ll ever deserve.

Love y’all,

~Katy

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Comments to "Mercies in Disguise"

  1. Jennifer Edwards

    February 2, 2013

    Sending a hug and prayers from Conyers to you. Thank you for putting yourself out there and letting God speak and work through you. Honey Boo Boo ain’t got nothing on you. 🙂

  2. Melissa Bunn Keeton

    February 2, 2013

    I’m so sorry for your loss! But I am glad you are back!

  3. Rachel McCann

    February 2, 2013

    I’m so so sorry…sending lots of love and hugs

  4. Julie Johnston

    February 2, 2013

    I’m so, so sorry. Sending big ((((HUGS)))

  5. Alison Penner Rahn

    February 2, 2013

    A powerful post. I am praying for you!

  6. Michelle

    February 2, 2013

    I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss, but I can continue to keep you in my prayers.  You’ve brought a lot of laughter and joy to so many, and I know God will bring that back to you.

  7. Tamara Williamson

    February 2, 2013

    Praying for you guys and for you momma. It’s such a tough thing to live through. Praying for a peace that surpasses understanding as you go through this time.

  8. Alecia M

    February 2, 2013

    Thinking of you… we missed you. Hug your little ones just a little tighter, I’m so sorry

  9. Carrie Pittman Miller

    February 2, 2013

    Oh Katy! My heart breaks for you! I had a miscarriage as well. We will pray for you all!

  10. Alecia Munson

    February 2, 2013

    Please visit fourplusanangel.com and find some comfort

  11. KateHall

    February 2, 2013

    Oh Katy, I have prayed for you many times over the past few months. Now I know why you were on my mind so much. I am so sorry for your loss. He will give you the strength to get through when you have none. Unfortunately, it always seems we have to go through extreme hardship in order to get to the point of seeing His strength displayed – myself included. I will continue praying for you.
     
    BTW, I find Laura’s voice slightly annoying at the beginning of that song too. I actually turn the station when it comes on. You’ve given me a new perspective on it.
     
    Beautiful post. Thanks for being so transparent.

  12. Jessica Anslow

    February 3, 2013

    Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so very sorry for your loss.

  13. SusanPayne

    February 3, 2013

    I’m so sorry too. I can imagine what you’re feeling as I went through that years ago. You will always love that baby. Hugs.

  14. JoyDockeryNeville

    February 3, 2013

    there is soooo much Godly wisdom in this post. it is sooooooooooo true and dead on. thank you for your honesty and frankness- i’m sorry to hear for your loss- you will meet him/her one day rest assured! praying for peace for you and your family- i can not imagine but keeping holding on to this blog post- read it over and over to remind yourself. Goodness will follow. Trust Him.

  15. JoyDockeryNeville

    February 3, 2013

    oh! and her voice really bothers me at the beginning too! lol love the song though!

  16. Colleen A. Argentine

    February 3, 2013

    Feels like a blessing’

  17. Stephanie W

    February 3, 2013

    Praying for you.

  18. BethTaylor

    February 3, 2013

    I love you Katy! I have been praying for you sweetheart! This really touched me………..Just when you think how much more can I take you know that there is a reason and God has a plan for you sweetie & all of us…….we don’t always understand why at the moment but time and prayers have a way of Healing!!! I LOVE YOU with all of my heart!! Bless you and give those kiddos BIG HUGS & KISSES from Auntie Bethie!! Xoxoxo

  19. Kelley Statham

    February 4, 2013

    Katy, thank you for sharing what must be a terribly painful season in your life. I pray that God will hold you tight and see you through this. I wish I could give you a big hug!!!!

  20. franhm

    February 4, 2013

    Katy,
    Thanks so much for sharing your sadness with us. That song is one of my favorites ( I actually like her voice through the whole song!), and I listen to it several times a week.  It takes me back to a time of great sadness , and profound gratitude in my life.I’ve never had a miscarriage, but, as you know, I’ve lost a child. In the future,you will look back on this time in your life and marvel at how our great God loved you through all the tears and grief  that you are experiencing. Sometimes I long for that feeling of closeness and tenderness that only comes through walking through the valley with Him, (but, of course, being human, I don’t want to actually experience any pain!). You will look back, and realize what a sweet time it was with the Lord. Right now, you just have to hold on tight to what you know about Him, and not how you feel. When you think you cannot stand the pain any longer, pray to him to have mercy on you, and give you a reprieve from the pain. He always did this for me. It may have been just a few minutes or hours, and it would come back like a wave that washes over us, but it allowed me to catch my breath, and enjoy the gifts that He had given me. I will continue to pray for you, and I’m so thankful for you and your whole family.
     
    “Miss Fran”
     
    Ps. 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

  21. angelashelton

    February 4, 2013

    I’m so glad you shared this! I was worried about what happened to you. Thank you for sharing and for being so open.
     
    And get yer hands outta yer dress and get a real hair stylist too!
     
    Thank you for the humor. 🙁

  22. Sarah Allred

    February 8, 2013

    Katy, I just got put onto your site via fb.  I am glad that I did.  I already have been provided laughs & tears.  I know the mother pain of not getting those babies into this life…but I also know the great blessings they have provided me in lessons, experiences & hope forthe next life.  My heart goes out to you and am grateful for the moment you gave me to stop and reflect on my own experiences too.  You are a strength to others to share your experience and reach out with love and understanding.  Thank you.  I included a music video of an inspirational singer that wrote a song that touched my soul for my Beautiful Heartbreak…thought you might like it.
     
     
    http://youtu.be/xyX-I-um5Kk

  23. MC

    February 8, 2013

    Love you my girl… xoxo

  24. Jeniffer S

    February 11, 2013

    I had two miscarriages nearly four years ago now, one right after the other. Before my two little girls with me now. It’s been a long, hard road out of the anger, disappointment, and depression that I found myself in during the months that followed. Every time I hear that song, I’m overwhelmed with humility. I have no idea why I lost my babies. But I do know that God allowed it to happen and that I’m more broken, more usable for it. You will be in my prayers.

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