My Professional Background - Once upon a time, I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Actually, I was a professional motivational speaker for about 5 years.:
She said WHAT?

This story is told with the permission of my friend as it pertains to her son. And even though I have changed names to protect the innocent, it’s one of those stories you don’t tell unless you ask the mother.

It begins just after the Air Force moved us from England to Kansas. We decided to live on post at Fort Leavenworth because, to be quite frank, I wanted more than one set of razor wire between me and any potential federal prison escapees. Also, it’s comforting to know that a criminal would have to look down the wrong end of an M-16 if they wanted to act up in this neighborhood.

I have Security Forces on speed dial.

Anyhow, the first week we were here, a friend of mine offered to have her 8-year-old son come over to keep JJ entertained while we unpacked. We were thrilled to have the help, and Duncan (I just made up the dorkiest name possible – don’t know why that was the first one to come to mind. Also, sorry if your kid’s name is Duncan) and JJ played for several, productive hours. While Duncan was still here, Brian had to change JJ’s poopy diaper. Duncan just happened to be standing behind Brian while he was changing JJ, and – I kid you not – he said, “hey, JJ has balls like I did when I was a baby. But now I have looooong ones!”

Now, just for some background, Duncan comes from a very sheltered environment. And I mean that in a really good way. He’s homeschooled, and I’m sure he’s had little or no exposure to the crude imagery and language that some boys his age have already experienced. I actually tease his mom about the “kid-friendly” words they use in place of anatomical terms like testicles and such. In fact, I was FLOORED to even hear him say something as crude as the word “balls.” I honestly can’t believe I’m spending an entire blog post writing about this. But this story was too good not to share…

I swear it felt like two hours of silence happened before Brian or I could bring ourselves to speak. I was in the dining room trying to decide how to explain testicular size in relation to age. Basically, I was going to give this kid a real-life, homeschool anatomy lesson. I choked down my laughter and said, “well, Duncan, that’s because as you get older…”

And Brian screamed from across the living room, “Nope! Noooooooooooooope! NOPE!”

Stunned, I looked and Brian and said, “I was just saying that…”

“NOOOOOOO!” Brian insisted.

I stopped mid-sentence mainly because I was so startled at Brian’s reaction. He never shuts me down like that, but he was adamant that I quit talking immediately. So, I stopped.

And I thought for a moment…

And then it occurred to me…

He was talking about JJ’s poop!

This 8-year-old kid was talking about “balls” of poop.

I almost peed my pants when I realized that I nearly sent this little boy home all wide-eyed and traumatized and talking about testicles. I’m sure his mother would NOT have appreciated the Katy Morgan anatomy course complete with new vocabulary words.

For some reason Brian is on the fence about allowing me to homeschool our children. And I suppose the important question is this:  What will damage them more, learning about anatomy from some kid on the playground or hearing the word “testicles” from their own mother?

It’s a toss-up, really.


Comments to "How to Traumatize Your Friend’s Kid"

  1. Amber

    August 22, 2012

    Oh my word! I needed this laugh today!!!

  2. Heather Schmitt

    August 22, 2012

    Best. Story. EVER.

  3. Vonda Keon

    August 22, 2012

    as a former homechooling mom, I say go for it and talk to your kids like you want to . but be sure and tell them not to traumatize the kids that are living under an umbrella!!! still chuckling over this probably because I did something similiar!

  4. Brian

    August 22, 2012

    Other than the hilarious story, this was my favorite part…

    “…he was adamant that I quit talking immediately. So, I stopped.” 🙂

  5. michele

    August 22, 2012

    so funny

  6. G-Man

    August 22, 2012

    Okay, I immediately see two pictures on your new site. One appears to be Chief telling you that your kid has just face planted while you sit in a basket of clothes eating Pringles. The other is JJ with a very “Paranormal Activity” look in his eyes.

    Very funny story. Oh the things these kids say nowaadays.

    Love the new site.


  8. Linda Burkhalter

    August 22, 2012

    Love your new site Katy. You are a hoot!!

  9. Staci

    August 22, 2012

    Once again…laughed out loud! Love the part about Brian getting peed on.

  10. Staci

    August 22, 2012

    Oops..I meant to comment on the tantrum post.

  11. Melita

    August 23, 2012

    Oh my goodness, Katy! That is hilarious!

  12. LaLa

    August 24, 2012

    bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Teach me how to be quiet Katy…esp when husband says so?? very proud of your self control. And LOL’ing again at your site. CANNOT tell you how GLAD I am you’re back on the blogo-whatever. NEEDEDTHATFRIDAYLAUGH!!!

  13. Pingback: How to Spot a Homeschooled Kid From a Mile Away « (Nobody Puts) Katy in a Corner

  14. Pingback: How to Spot a Homeschooled Kid From a Mile Away | (Nobody Puts) Katy in a Corner

  15. Christyn

    September 6, 2012

    That was hilarious!!! Sounds like some stuff my son would say! Oh BTW there used to be a deck build behind the prison(between post and the prison) it had a weird speaker box that told you the history of the prison. As a kid my parents used to take us to Sonic and then to the deck thing LOL oh the joys of being from Kansas. As an adult I think what the heck were my parents thinking?! I would much rather be on post for safety! Your blog is my new favorite for sure!!!

  16. DarcyPerdu1

    August 11, 2013

    mwhahaha — was not expecting that!  so funny!  And I love your husband’s enthusiastic and adamant “Noooope.  Nope.”


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