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My Professional Background - Once upon a time, I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Actually, I was a professional motivational speaker for about 5 years.:
My "Super-Simple," "No-Fail" Diet Plan!

Warning:  The following post may be disturbing to some readers. Particularly those with a weak stomach. Reader discretion is advised.

If you caught Wednesday’s post about our exciting car ride on Monday afternoon, then you can probably guess how the rest of my week has been. I have cleaned up vomit 5 different times. FIVE. That’s about five more times than I would have to do it if I had that live-in nanny Brian promised me before I agreed to marry him.

Yesterday at 5:45 a.m., I awoke to JJ’s blood-curdling scream and the reconstituted remnants of his evening meal. I think Bill Engvall is so right about this one: someone should invent an alarm clock that sounds like a baby vomiting because there is NO snoozing!

So, as I watched 12 solid hours of kid-friendly programming yesterday, I put a great deal of thought into Mr. Engvall’s words. If I’ll never have that live-in nanny, then I should probably consider how I can turn these unpleasant moments into a lucrative business opportunity.

Enter:

My Super-Simple, No-Fail Diet Plan

“Hi, friends. I’m Katy Morgan, and I have an exciting, new weight-loss plan for you moms out there! It’s called C.U.R.V.E.: Clean Up Rancid Vomit Everyday, and it has been proven to work 100% of the time.* Simply take your children to any mall play area, allow them to lick every surface they can find, wait 48 hours, and—POOF!—you, your vehicle, and your household will be covered in rancid baby vomit for weeks. Yes, it’s really that simple!

“What makes this diet plan so effective is that it takes your favorite foods, allows them to semi-digest, and then mercilessly and violently causes them to reappear in various locations. Like in your bed. On your car upholstery. Or on your kitchen table.

“You won’t believe how well this plan works! Just hear what one satisfied customer** had to say about C.U.R.V.E.:

‘I honestly can’t believe how much I hate to eat now. I have literally dropped 10 pounds in one week. I’m really not sure I’ll ever regain my appetite, but I sure am excited to fit into my skinny jeans again! I would show you, but I get pretty lightheaded when I try to stand up.’

“With the C.U.R.V.E. plan, you don’t even have to have toddlers of your own! For the low, low price of $19.99, I’ll send one of my children to your home to lick and sneeze on your countertops, your doorknobs, your walls, your computer keyboard, and your smartphone.

“But wait, THERE’S MORE! If you order in the next 4 1/2 minutes, I’ll send not one but BOTH of my children to your home for maximum germ coverage and overall chaos. You won’t just learn to hate food, you’ll get a serious workout as you attempt to potty train a sick 3-year-old and painstakingly remove smashed Cheerios from your wool rug.

Smashed Cheerios

“C.U.R.V.E.:  Because kids don’t just throw curve balls, they THROW UP!”

Not Funny

[Is that supposed to be funny?]

Disclaimer

“This once-in-a-lifetime offer is only available through katyinacorner.com and is limited to residents of the United States. Must be 18 or older to purchase. Does not include shipping and handling. In fact, I changed my mind. You can just come over here and babysit for so I can leave the house for a minute. Actually, if you will come over to my house while my kids are sick, I will pay YOU $19.99. More if you bring a sewing kit.

Sewing Kit

“Please. Someone…anyone? Mommy???”

*I do have proof that this plan works, but I’m too weak to pose for photos.
**I am the only satisfied customer…so far.

Real Disclaimer

Before my parents get too concerned and demand full custody, I’ll let you know that the kids are actually fine. And I don’t really plan to exploit their sickness for profit. Unless you consider this blog such a thing, and then I may need to reconsider that statement. But then it all depends on your definition of “profit,” and that’s a pretty elusive goal for a woman whose main subject matter is vomit.

I think I should find another topic to write about next week.

[I think Katy should eat something before she decides to subject us all to her writing again.]

Poop.

Potty Training

Yes, I’ll write about poop.

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Comments to "My “Super-Simple,” “No-Fail” Diet Plan"

  1. Megan

    December 6, 2013

    My favorite way to be woken up with a vomiting child is when he stands next to the bed and says “Mommy, I just spit something yucky in my bed.” I closed my eyes and prayed that I was wrong about what he’d just said, but alas no. I think we mothers deserve medals for those weeks when everyone is puking. Ugh, the worst.

  2. Amy

    December 6, 2013

    Ugh. Sounds like a disgusting week. Hopefully it is all out of their system and all of that grossness is gone for good. (and those 10 pounds, too!).

    And to follow up about the poor nursery worker that I commented about on your last post! I saw her on Wednesday and apologized profusely. And then… get this… she said that after we left, a different little girl had a Miralax-induced accident. I’m pretty sure that she has turned in her resignation for nursery duty. I think I would have walked out.

    Oh, and her teenage son was in nursery with her. I’m pretty confident that he won’t be having sex, ever.
    Amy recently posted…It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!My Profile

    • Katy in a Corner

      December 13, 2013

      Hahahaha! I can’t stop laughing as I picture that poor teenage boy who was probably forced to help his mom and now has emotional scars because of it. Classic. Thanks for the follow-up, Amy! And hope your little one is feeling much better.

  3. Robyn

    December 6, 2013

    Once again, I laughed hysterically when reading this post. I REALLY hope you have a better week next week … less vomit at least. It would take a lot more than $19.99 to get me to bring a sewing kit to your house and actually sew something. I could handle the sick kids, not the sewing.

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