My Professional Background - Once upon a time, I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Actually, I was a professional motivational speaker for about 5 years.:

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Play Imitating Life

JJ spent the morning “driving Miss Averi” all around their pretend Kansas City in our living room.

“Averi, do you want to go to Union Station and play with Thomas the Train?”


“You do? Well, sorry. It’s closed.”

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This post is not as much for the entertainment of my loyal readers as it is solid evidence for JJ to produce when his future therapist asks the question, “So when exactly did the nightmares begin?”

JJ will pull up his shirt sleeve to reveal the smartphone imbedded on his forearm. He’ll say, “Siri, show me the photo.”

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With all the hustle and bustle of my parents’ visit, I didn’t have time to get Brian a Valentine’s Day card last week. I broke the cardinal rule of romance:  ALWAYS get a card. The little-known, second rule of romance is this:  ALWAYS fill the card with enough cash to offset the cringe-worthy sappiness of the card.

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The Itch

I’m not gonna lie; it was difficult for me to leave PetSmart on Sunday without a bearded dragon (last time it was a fancy rat). I’ve got the itch again, y’all. The itch for another living thing that requires constant care and nurturing. Brian thinks I should quit entertaining this reptilian fantasy and just have another baby already. I don’t know. Bearded dragons sound so much less terrifying than toddlers. And they’re way better at peekaboo.

Maybe one day, when she’s finally able to speak in complete sentences, Averi will tell us what she’s thinking in this photo.

What She's Thinking

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Remember a few weeks ago when I said I would never again take a road trip while our kids are toddlers? Remember that? Remember how I said I’d rather rip off my toenails with a crowbar?

Labor Day Weekend - Road Trip

Yeah. I lied.

Actually, I didn’t lie. I just forgot that we planned this Labor Day weekend trip to my in-laws’ farm house in Indiana. So, last Thursday morning—around (ahem) noon—we piled in the car, set Blues Clues on constant loop, and made the 10-hour trek to the Hoosier State.

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In case you’re wondering where I’ve been this week, I present to you this photo series to give you an idea. Basically, Brian has had a week full of 14-hour work days, so I’ve been busy as a referee, nursemaid, and the exhausted person who finds herself screaming things like, “Please don’t jump on the table,” “We don’t eat bugs,” and “PLEASE don’t climb the fence!”

Here are 10 Pre-Discipline Photos for your viewing pleasure. Note:  These are just the photos I complied in the past few weeks. I could probably publish an entire book called Parental Guidance Suggested.

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It’s almost like JJ knows how very, very particular I am about my calendar and said, “Hey, Averi, you know what would be reeeeeeeally hilarious? If I took a PEN and colored all over mom’s calendar. On the first day of the month. Bwahahahahahahahaha!”

And that’s how it happened.

I’m sure of it.

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Most of my childhood was spent fantasizing about the day I would make my living as a television star. I can’t even count how many inspired scenes and acceptance speeches I rehearsed in my bathroom mirror.

I just never thought my television debut would result from something as ordinary as a garage sale.


Look for me on the next episode of Hoarders.

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