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August 2012

It was unfortunate timing, really. We hired a housekeeper several months ago anticipating my need for some help while my husband travels with the military. I know, I’m lazy. And also fabulously wealthy.

“Can someone PLEASE turn up the TV and pass me the bonbons? And WHERE is the nanny? One of my children is screaming, and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is about to come on!”

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Dear 10-month-old Averi,

You are ROCKING those skinny jeans and that little tank, sweetie. I mean, look at your adorable, little belly. I could just eat you up with a spoon!

But if you even THINK about going out looking like this when you’re a teenager…

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1)  Which is more effective, duct tape or zip ties?

2)  My 10-month-old thinks it’s cute to spit her food at me each time I give her a spoonful. Is she too young to flick really hard on the nose?

3)  Will it damage my kids’ ears if I turn up the music so loud in the car that I can no longer hear them?

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This is, God willing, the first of many in a series called “How-to Tuesday.” And since this is a mommy blog, and I’m pretty much an expert mother, I thought it was appropriate to give the first instructional video the title “How to be a Perfect Mother” – from someone who knows.

“(Nobody Puts) Katy in a Corner” theme song provided by our buddy Matt Garwood. He’s WICKED good at coming up with original songs. Check him out if you have theme song envy.

Back at the beginning of the summer – when the temperatures were well over 100 degrees for weeks at a time – I purchased three plastic tubs of Black-eyed Susans from our local nursery. That should be the first clue to our savvy horticulturists that I don’t have the slightest idea what I’m doing here. I brought home those beautiful, hearty flowers along with two more tubs of English Lavender (my favorite) with the best of intentions and the highest of hopes – and with at least a 45 minute fail-proof planting lesson from the woman who owns the nursery. Because, as I later discovered, if you’re going to plant something in your yard at the beginning of the summer, you better know what you’re doing. I left out of that nursery so educated and empowered with a minivan full of flowers!

I must have had SUCKER tattooed across my forehead.

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I couldn’t help myself. I had to snap this photo on post yesterday. In case you don’t know what you’re looking at, let me help you out. This is a parent (I assume) driving this 8-year-old boy (I’m estimating) off post in a Jeep Scrambler (yeah, I’d never heard of it either). The child is riding shotgun with no windows and nothing to protect this precious life from flying debris and oncoming traffic but a pair of cheap sunglasses.

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You’re welcome.

Hey Averi, PETA called. And they want to speak with you.

RELAX, people! No animals were harmed in the making of this blanket. But I can’t say the same about the double quarter pounder with cheese I had for lunch.

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